Let's Play Connect

So the debate has continued about whether this baby is boy girl or both, or neither! Hahaha.

No, but, seriously, it looks a boy in ultrasound but has the lines as well of a girl in the pic we have.

So, I am so confused. 

Really, not that I care either way- I would be happy boy or girl as long as my 3 kids get along.

That is what I want more than anything- a beautiful family that gets along great and will stay close forever. Too much to ask? I think not. 

But still, I really want to know! Its driving me crazy and I think partly is harder for me because I am having a harder time connecting to this baby then I did my last two. 

Is this baby just that stubborn? Or just such a cool Berkeley Hippy baby before its born here? Just going with the flow and just being a little bean growing inside me. 

I am feeling you move as I write this and how is it yet that we have not connected as much? I want to know more about you before you are born beautiful baby! 

Tell me more. 

And you know what?

If you want it to be secret between you and I- I am cool with that too! Just let me know. Chances are I will want to share you with my whole world- but you want just a bond between you and I, I am cool with that too. 

I will be happy with you however you decide to grace me, boy girl, VBAC or repeat cesarean, birth defects or normal, healthy or with health problems. I am your mama! It is not only my job, but my heart and soul will pour deeply into you. I hope you know that. I love you already even though I have not seen your face or touched your beautiful toes yet. 

I do want so bad to know who you are- so I can connect with you all the more when you do come. Know, that even as I sleep and walk, I am still happy for the moment you kick me, hiccup inside me, or even make me have lovely pregnancy moments of throwing up a meal you did not like. I am still with love for you and want to connect. 

So just pick up the phone anytime- I am waiting....

5 Week Itch

I feel so out of place. I am going to call it the "5 week itch". Meaning, WTF! mode has started.

As in complete confusion, denial, and questioning if my body can do this. I know it can, I simply know it can.

I have had a lack in trying to get ready for it because I don't know if it is really coming- but it has to- my note from my calendar even popped up with 35 weeks! Today!

I have to believe it. I guess I have been so busy and so out of it to notice it. I logically know it but does my body? Does my mind?

How in the world am I suppose to get completely ready for it? Are you ever prepared?

Maybe this is like the cold feet you get before you get married. But this can't be, it is not allowed to be.

Maybe I should let the worry take me over and let it go, but will it try to hold on?

I don't know if it is just me thing, or if this is something that every VBAC mother experiences.

I mean, in some ways there is more anxiety to be had than those of first time moms, just because its like, what the heck happened the first time?

I know as much as I did before hand, why it did not work, but what words can't describe feelings that you can't write down can. And those feelings even I can not pin down.

So what am I to do with that?

Unborn child of mine, I know we can do this! WE CAN DO THIS! Let's conquer this battle and take it one step at a time.

Let's make it painless as possible and with as much bonding and wonderful awe as we can, even if just between you and I.

You essentially hold the unknown key of what I and we can and should do- please tell me, connect with me.

Braxton hicks away, I don't even mind walking around at 3 cm dilated for weeks. I am ok with that- honestly. And I guess I can be ok with if I need another C Section- but I would love

for you to come the way you were meant to. I just would. So whatever it is you need me to do, please tell me, because right now I am running out of steam to even manage to look or do a simple to do list.

Anything appreciated.